Viking Sagas – More Funny Bits

The excerpts are from the translations at The Online Medieval and Classical Library.

My comments added in black.

Wermund said that his son had judged all things rightly, and bade him first learn the use of arms, since he had been little accustomed to them.  When they were offered to Uffe, he split the narrow links of the mail-coats by the mighty girth of his chest, nor could any be found large enough to hold him properly. For he was too hugely built to be able to use the arms of any other man. At last, when he was bursting even his father’s coat of mail by the violent compression of his body, Wermund ordered it to be cut away on the left side and patched with a buckle; thinking it mattered little if the side guarded by the shield were exposed to the sword. 
 The Nine Books of the Danish History of Saxo Grammaticus

Then I uncovered and drew my sword, and as the smith fled I clove his privy parts; his hams were laid open, cut away from the bone; they showed his entrails. [Ouch!]
The Nine Books of the Danish History of Saxo Grammaticus

Hildigisl slunk off with a spear through both buttocks, which was the occasion for a jeer at the Teutons, since the ugliness of the blow did not fail to brand it with disgrace.
 
The Nine Books of the Danish History of Saxo Grammaticus

Now see to thy safety henceforward, 
And stick to thy horse and thy buckler; 
Or this mallet of mine, I can tell thee, 
Will meet with thine ear of a surety. [“Shut up or I’ll hit you with a mallet?” – I like it.]
Now say no more stories of feasting, 
Though seven in a day thou couldst tell of, 
Or bumps thou shalt comb on thy brainpan, 
Thou that breakest the howes of the dead.

Song from Kormak’s Saga

Hrut raised up his halberd and struck Eidgrim through the back between the shoulders so that the coat of mail was torn and the halberd flew out through the chest, and Eidgrim fell dead off his horse, as was only natural.
The Laxdaela Saga

At that moment An fell, having fought for some time, with his inwards coming out. [Chaming]
The Laxdaela Saga

He shattered and broke with the bite the sword Hoding which smote upon my head, and would have dealt worse wounds if the edge of his blade had held out better.
The Nine Books of the Danish History of Saxo Grammaticus

Cormac felt for his sword, but it had slipped out of the sheath. [Don’t you hate it when that happens?]
Kormak’s Saga

They fall to fight together; Ketil goeth against Bardi, and Thorgaut against Thorberg. There lacked not great strokes and eggings-on. [Can’t go wrong with a bit of egging-on]
Heitharviga Saga

Now that day men gave and took wounds, and one man from the Northcountry-men was brought to his death, and he was borne into a copse that was on the ere, and much blood ran from his wounds, and there stood a pool of blood in the copse. There was the youngling Kiartan, the son of Thurid of Frodis-water, with a little axe in his hand; he ran to the copse, and dipped the axe in the blood. 
Eyrbyggja Saga

But the next morning men had a turf-play beside the booth of the sons of Thorbrand, and as Thorlak’s sons passed by, forth flew a great piece of turf, and smote Thord Wall-eye under the poll, and so great was the stroke, that he fell heels over head; but when he arose, he saw that Thorbrand’s sons were laughing at him hugely. 
Eyrbyggja Saga

Thorod Thorbrandson had so great a wound in the back of his neck that he might not hold his head straight; he had on hose-breeches withal, and they were all wet with blood. A home-man of Snorri the Priest was about pulling them off; but when he fell to stripping them he could not get them off. Then he said: “No lie is that concerning you sons of Thorbrand, when folk say ye are showy men, whereas ye wear clothes so tight that they may not come off you.”
      

Thorod said: “Belike thou pullest slovenly.” And therewith the home-man set his feet against the bed-stock and pulled with all his might, but yet gat them off none the more.
      

Then Snorri the Priest went thereto, and felt along his leg, and found a spear stuck through his leg between the hough sinew and the leg bone, that had nailed together the leg and the breeches. Then said Snorri that the thrall was a measureless fool not to have thought of such a thing.
      

Snorri Thorbrandson was the briskest of those brothers, and he sat at table beside his namesake that evening. Curds and cheese they had to meat, but Snorri noted that his namesake made but little play with the cheese, and asked why he eat so slowly. 
      

Snorri Thorbrandson answered that lambs found it the hardest to eat when they were first gagged.

Then Snorri the Priest drew his hand down his throat, and found an arrow sticking athwart his gullet and the roots of the tongue. Then Snorri the Priest took drawing-tongs and pulled out the arrow, and then Snorri Thorbrandson fell to his meat.

Then Snorri the Priest healed all the sons of Thorbrand. But when Thorod’s neck grew together his head sat somewhat drawn backwards on his trunk, and he said that Snorri would heal him into a maimed man. Snorri said that he deemed the head would come straight when the sinews were knit together; but Thorod would have nought but that the wound should be torn open again, and the head set straighter. But all went as Snorri had guessed, and as soon as the sinews were knit together the head came right; yet little might Thord lout ever after.  [Whinge whinge whine]
Eyrbyggja Saga

Grettir tackled them each in turn, now thrusting with the spear, now hewing with the sword, while they defended themselves with logs lying on the ground or with anything else which they could get.
Grettir’s Saga

Neither of them had a helmet. Grettir went along the marsh and when he was within range launched his spear at Thorbjorn. The head was not so firm as he had intended it to be, so it got loose in its flight and fell off on to the ground. [Annoying when that happens]
Grettir’s Saga

Tjorvi, indeed, threw his shield before him on the ice, but he leapt over it, and still kept his feet, and slid quite to the end of the sheet of ice.
Njal’s Saga

So he ran in up the hall, and smote Gunnar Lambi’s son on the neck with such a sharp blow, that his head spun off on to the board before the king and the earls, and the board was all one gore of blood, and the earl’s clothing too.  [That’ll ruin your dinner]
Njal’s Saga

He struck the lenderman before mentioned (Thorgeir of Kviststad) across the face, cut off the nose-piece of his helmet, and clove his head down below the eyes so that they almost fell out.
The Chronicle of the Kings of Norway

Erling himself was wounded in the left side; but some say he did it himself in drawing his sword.
The Chronicle of the Kings of Norway